


Psych 101

by Rainbow_Trout



Series: Whumptober 2020 [11]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Depression, M/M, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Whump, Whumptober 2020, antidepressants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbow_Trout/pseuds/Rainbow_Trout
Summary: Day Eleven of Whumptober - struggling, crying, defiance.
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Series: Whumptober 2020 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953733
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Psych 101

**Author's Note:**

> Potential trigger warnings for depression.

“You’re struggling again.”

It was a statement, not a question, and one that Casey had been expecting. Because he had been struggling recently, quite a lot, and he knew that no matter how hard he’d tried, he hadn’t been able to hide it.

Not that he felt he _needed_ to hide it from Severide, but he still always felt a compulsive need to not be a burden. He had no reason to be depressed, not in his eyes. Which only made it worse. Things were going well; he didn’t know why he was struggling – and that made him terrified that Kelly would realise that he’d got himself into and that he’d run. Or worse, that Kelly would feel as though he hadn’t been doing an adequate job.

But still, he didn’t feel as though he could _lie_ to Kelly… so he settled for trying to downplay it, “I’m… it’s… things have been a little tough, lately, but… I’m okay, Kel… just think that I haven’t been sleeping.”

Kelly weighed up the situation. He knew the blonde well enough to know that he’d been hit hard with this most recent bout of depression, but he also knew that he couldn’t push it. No matter how much he loved him, and how much effort he put into validating the blonde’s feelings, he was used to having to give his blonde time. Because he knew that he was pretty much the only person who had ever given him the time of day, so it made sense that Casey still didn’t trust it.

“Okay, if you’re sure, baby… if you want to talk later, remember that I’m here.”

Casey only nodded, looking away and ending the conversation, but for now, it was good enough for Severide.

* * *

Kelly sighed to himself as he heard the door bang open, before Casey slammed it behind him. He’d known from when Casey had gone out that he probably had to prepare himself for the worst, but it was still disheartening. Not so much because he now had to deal with Casey’s mood, but because he knew that it meant the blonde was in pain.

After another short discussion, Casey had decided to see his psychiatrist again. He’d stopped going a while ago because he’d been busy, and then his GP had filled in with managing his prescriptions. But after speaking to his GP, she’d encouraged him to go back. She simply didn’t have the expertise that the psychiatrist had, and they all knew that Casey needed it.

The blonde’s mood had rapidly deteriorated after that, and Kelly had caught him crying at least twice. In those times he’d done his best to comfort his blonde, sitting beside Casey and offering a silent presence. It seemed to be the best way to support Casey when he was still pulling away, and for the most part, the blonde seemed to appreciate it.

The rest of the time Casey’s mood had fluctuated between anger and apathy, the latter of which was the most terrifying. So often he’d noticed Casey staring off blankly into the distance, or hiding with his head in his hands, and Severide was helplessly limited in what he could do. In those moments, Casey was almost inaccessible, which made Kelly feel sick.

He was scared for his blonde while they were on shift, worried that Casey would be a little _too_ careless. Not that he thought it was a possibility on an intellectual level… but in the dumb monkey part of his brain… yeah, it scared him.

The one thing he did have to marvel at – if marvel was the right word – was the fact that no one else had clocked on to the blonde’s depression. As far as everyone else was concerned, their Captain was fine… which really confused Severide when the subtle changes in his behaviour were so obvious to him. But he knew that he couldn’t blame any of them. Casey was a master of disguise. If he wanted to hide; he did. He could probably only see the signs because he’d already been exposed to the more obvious ones and was looking for them. And besides, it was true to say that Casey was aloof within the firehouse. He wished he wasn’t, but only for Casey’s sake, so he knew that he had his brothers around him.

Kelly glanced up as Casey stalked past him, before the man disappeared into their bedroom. He sighed again before getting up, silently creeping down the hall. Encroaching on Casey’s space when he was too upset often didn’t end well, but Severide also couldn’t bare to leave him alone.

And as soon as he saw him, he was glad that he’d gone. Casey was face down on the bed, socked foot digging into the mattress, face pressed into the pillow; utterly sobbing. Heart aching in sympathy, Severide wasted no time in moving towards him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Matty?”

Casey stilled for a second, before rolling his head to the side, teary blue eyes being revealed. Then, he was sobbing again, entire body shaking with the effort.

“Oh… oh fuck, Matty… come here, baby…”

He wrapped an arm around him, lightly tugging his shoulders until he was upright. Casey was still gasping in lung fulls of air, tears streaming down his face as he continued to sob.

Adjusting his boy so Casey’s forehead was resting against his shoulder, Kelly started to rock them, humming softly and sushing him, running his hand up and down his back. Casey was now gripping him tightly, and Kelly knew that the man had finally lost it. So, he channeled all his energy into comforting him, wishing he could do more but hoping that he was doing enough.

After a while _,_ Casey stopped crying, remaining against Severide’s shoulder as they continued to rock. He’d never admit it to anyone, but he wished that Kelly could hug him like that all the time. He wished that his entire life was a hug, but it was far from it.

The thought brought another round of tears to his eyes, but this time, they were silent. He nuzzled tighter against Severide, pressing his face into the crook of Severide’s neck, grateful when the squad man’s arms tightened around his back. He nuzzled in even tighter, squeezing every so often as the squad Lieutenant soothed, “Sh. Sh. I know, baby. I know. Sh…”

Finally, _finally,_ Casey stopped, pulling away. Kelly let him go, but kept one hand on his shoulder, making sure that the blonde still knew that he was there. He hated the way that Matt looked ashamed, because the blonde didn’t have a reason to be.

“S-sorry, Kelly.”

Severide just shook his head, rubbing his shoulder soothingly, “It’s okay, Matt… it’s okay. Your emotions are valid, and they’re always okay.”

Casey nodded, though his eyes betrayed that he didn’t entirely believe him. Severide didn’t say anything, though, instead leaning against the headboard, before reaching out arm, inviting Casey into his embrace, “C’mere, baby.”

With no need for further encouragement, Casey did, scooting across until he was leaning against Severide’s shoulder. Kelly made sure to secure his arm around him, before softly pressing his lips against his head, “Talk to me, Matty. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

The blonde let out a bitter snort, but there was no malice, “A bit more shit than usual, I guess…”

Kelly just nodded, pressing his lips to Casey’s head again, “I’m here, baby… I’m here.”

Casey snuffled, before bringing one hand to his eyes, hastily wiping away his tears because he didn’t want to start crying again, “I… they think that I should change anti-depressants. Again. These ones aren’t working… might even be making everything worse.”

Taking in that information, Kelly nodded, calmly rubbing Casey’s shoulder again, “Okay… changing them seems like a good idea, then. New ones might help more, Matty.”

“I know… I know that… but… changing is scary.”

It was a blunt confession; which Casey rarely gave. But Severide understood. There was always that worry that changing meds – or coming off his meds – was going to make it worse. But if that was on the psychiatrist’s mind… well, Severide was sure that she would have said something.

“It might be hard for a little while, Matty… but it sounds like these ones are making it worse? If you want to do another appointment… and want me to come, I’m happy to do that. But maybe it’s the right thing to do… get it done now so you don’t have to worry about it later.”

Casey paused again, which told Severide that he’d already decided. So he just waited, knowing that he’d still be there when Casey had gathered his thoughts.

“Last time… last time I stopped taking anti-depressants… in the… group home… I wasn’t exactly a fun person to be around, Kel…”

Realisation dawned on Kelly as he understood, and he did his best to ignore the implications. He knew full well that it hadn’t been Casey’s choice to stop taking his medication. He also knew that he probably hadn’t been given anything in the way of professional support. Actually, scratch that. He doubted that the blonde had been given _any_ support.

Something that Kelly was determined to change this time.

Hoping to comfort his boy, he scooted closer, wrapping one arm around Casey’s shoulders, pressing his lips to his forehead as the blonde leant into his grasp, “It’s okay, baby… don’t worry. We’ll get through it. You’re not gonna be alone, I’ll be here every step of the way.”


End file.
